A Nigerian's view of London -
I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge.
I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonials. With a name
like Ogundele Kayode Omobrukutu, I could not even buy a bus pass let alone
open a bank account. This is my story....
It took me 6 months to study the system, but I still could not figure out
my squares and circus's. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford
Square without getting lost. I was a YMCA (Young Money Chasing African) when
I joined the FRAUD (Fine Rich Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months
to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed
an MBA (Major Bank Account) to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal). I arranged
to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle. We
were suppose to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up
at 1.30pm. He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate -
419 ADE. He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer,
air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking
cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me.
Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed. He introduced himself
as Adepujo Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade or Babs. He spoke
with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole language up by slanging
- he sounded like a Canadian born Chinese living in Germany and studying
French. I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo(my
man) was trying hard to be British. After hanging with Ade for about 2 months
I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialised in BBC (Breaking
Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport
Handling Degree) and became an FBI (Fraudster Bringing Immigrants). My status
changed drastically...., I had a BMW 328is convertible and a Porsche 911
with a private plate - 911 OMO and living in a council flat and signing on.
I went to Moonlighting every Friday and drank champagne and dance! d to music
supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I
spent over a 1000 pounds on just champagne at the club and had no money for
petrol so I walked home. My downfall.... Greed and selfishness inevitably
led to my downfall - I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Agent) and
we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to
be a CID (Cop in Disguise). I was under surveillance and I did not even know.
I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12
different cheque books to go and do my business. They followed me unto the
high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong. I could not
leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books. I
ate 8 before they pulled me over. They read me my rights and all that crap
and all I could say was - OGA, water please!