Please,here is the summary of the decisions reached by the Business Leadership
Forum after our meeting today.
Staff Handbook Additions
We will no longer accept a doctor's sicknote as proof of sickness. If you
are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired
you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called Saturday
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance:
All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees
may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers supervisors
must approve this exchang e in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At
the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract,
and the door will open.
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can
look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their
average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing we will assume that you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day